Dear God, I have a bone to pick

XPost / Original August 29, 2008

I don't go out of my way to offend anyone. Sometimes it happens though, when I speak what's really on my mind. I need to do that now, offensive or not.

I've been pondering my disbelief. In heaven, hell, god, all that stuff. Second-guessing myself, maybe. In the end, though, it comes back to what's held me firm ... it's that "merciful God" part. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with, how to accept how unfair life is, how to cope with the hand I've been dealt. I look at my kids and my husband, and I know I HAVE to do that, but it's the strength and direction I'm struggling with. Every time I talk to my beloved Granny about my disease, she brings The Lord into it. This week, in the midst of my pity-party, as expected, she prompted me to second-guess my lack of faith. Many survivors (for lack of a better word) turn to religion for strength, right? I just can't wrap my head around that.

If a god was actually responsible for everything Earthly, I have a laundry list of bullshit to ask him/her about because I cannot fathom "merciful" and "willful" coming together reasonably. How does someone have faith in, and get strength from a spiritual being that allows, dare I say "causes" such horrific things? Little kids being molested. Cancer. Divorce. "Accidents." Suicide. RA. Mosquitoes. Seriously.

I understand, and have even offered it to others in down times, the logic that we have to have downs in life in order to appreciate the ups. I get that. It doesn't piss me off any less, though, especially when I'm way down in the mud of life.

What I am struggling with is that unanswerable Why Me. (I warned you, I'm having a pity party.) I am a 34 year old, married mother of three daughters whom I educate at home. I pay my taxes. I vote. I survived a nightmarish childhood. I love my family. I am open-minded and respectful. I recycle. So, why did I get the chronic "invisible" disease nobody understands? Why do I have to take supplements and experimental medicines just so that I can have a chance at functioning "normally" and continuing to live? I don't have a choice, not really. This will kill me if I don't try to treat it. I can't very well just ignore that, now can I? I could, but that would be against every bit of who I am - a mother, a wife, the friend who wants to be there for everybody. So, not having a choice hacks me off.

I'm not seeking sympathy. I'm actually needing some fuel, some direction, some help putting on the big girl panties. I saw the x-rays of my hands and feet this week. There are HOLES in my bones, lots of them. There is no synovial tissue nor cartilage left between most of the joints in my hands. I was diagnosed with this less than four years ago. It's officially "very severe" and "very active". It's time for me to shit or get off the pot. When you don't have the strength to even stand up at the end of the day ... well, you get it.

My mind keeps wandering back to the days when people finally actually believed the truth of my childhood nightmare. Offering support, everyone would say, "God doesn't give anyone more than she can handle." Well, BULLSHIT. This isn't fair. Not to me, not to my husband, not to my kids. I'm not afraid to die but I love being alive. I can't sit in the floor with my 3 year old. I can't jump on the trampoline with my 10 year old. I can't play Guitar Hero with my teenager. I have to ask my husband to brush my hair and help me dress sometimes. THAT is too much to handle, THAT pisses me off! Why in the world would I even try to find strength in a God who has done this to me?

So, that's where I am, for those of you who care. And, I really do appreciate those of you. You know I don't mean to offend. This is just me, trying to get through the shitty hand I've been dealt. Trying to claw myself out of the mud. If you didn't understand my disbelief before, maybe you do now. I'm not trying to change anyone else's beliefs - I respect that everybody is different and draws strength from their own experiences. I have to find it in myself, but at this moment, I am swimming in anger and pain and this is how I scream.